“You never know when a part of yourself that you deemed to be worthless will deliver the exact skill you need to make a difference for yourself or another” by Debbie Ford
In the past I felt that being stuck was not a good thing, so through the discussion I introduced a couple of different perspectives, one of these being that it may not be such a bad thing to be stuck, to feel like there is nothing that needs to be done right now.
- Focus on one step at a time – what is the next step for you to take right now?
- If you are tired – do you need rest, water or some good nourishing food?
- What do you really want to be doing right now?
- Some of the simplest things can shift our energy… moving a piece of furniture in our home, decluttering, cleaning, doing something playful like singing or dancing, reminding ourselves of all that we are grateful for in our lives or going for a walk to fill our lungs with fresh air.
I again shared Jan Lundy’s story about how she wanted to write another book and no matter how hard she tried it just wasn’t happening. It was only when she finally stopped trying to make something happen a particular way that she realised it was actually a course that she needed to write and deliver, not a book. Once this shift in her awareness occured she was off and the course was written and launched within a few months. So sometimes it is not the right time for something to be created, sometimes there needs to be more time and space for the creative process to evolve, or maybe there are other parts to the puzzle which need to be in place before a project can be completed. With different perspectives about what may be going on, it becomes much easier to feel at peace with this feeling of “being stuck”
Here is the link to her recording called In the Meantime where she shares her story and 8 tips to manage these times when there seems to be nothing that can be done.
Another thought I shared was the idea that we may not be stuck at all, that progress is happening, but just at quite a slow pace. This is when the tools of reflection are really useful to take stock of what has changed over the last day, week, month or year to help us recognise what progress has been made.
This also draws our attention to our expectations – we can can often feel that things “should” be happening much quicker or easier than they are. Recognise the “shoulds” you may have around being stuck, practice acceptance with what is, so the resistance can disappear and you can start to feel in the flow of life once again.
Finally some tips from our discussion:
I hope you find something useful here to help change your perspective if you are feeling stuck. As always I am available for coaching to help you create the change you are looking for in your life – just email me or give me a call/ text on +64 (0)21 240 6535 to arrange a complimentary call to discuss your challenge and see if I am the right person to support you.
Dates for your diary:
Our biggest challenge in life, if we choose to accept it, is learning how to be ourselves. We become so used to living in a way that conforms with societies expectations that we lose sight of who we truly are. We get buried under the avalanche of “shoulds’ that dictate what we do with our time , our money, our lives.
I believe we all have personal gifts that we are here to express – there is no-one else that can share what we have to offer in exactly the same way anywhere else in the world. So the theme for today’s Community Call was “The Challenges of Being Yourself” and allowing yourself to express these gifts and indeed all of who you are. Here are some thoughts from the call on how to to overcome any challenges…
- Awareness as always is the key – notice your patterns, your default behaviours, your habits. Only from awareness can we see the options for making different choices.
- Know that some of these default behaviours are not really who we may be – as children we were very good at hiding parts of ourselves that may have been disapproved of and compensating with learned behaviours to get approval instead. I see this as the biggest challenge of being yourself – remembering the parts we have disowned and reintegrating them to create the full picture of who we truly are.
- Use whatever is happening in your life today to get to know yourself better – there is an opportunity for learning in everything.
- Take time to be by yourself – time for reflection on what is going on in your life. Use this time to practice acceptance and compassion for yourself so that you can then choose to create the changes that become necessary.
- Develop trust in a higher power – we are all part of a bigger plan so stop resisting it!
- Reach out for support – don’t try to solve it all in your own head. Only through verbalising what we are experiencing with trusted friends, family members or support people can we start to make sense of what is happening. This then allows us to make different choices and to move on.
I would love to hear from you … what are your challenges with “Being Yourself”?
This book, by Daphne Rose Kingma, is a great resource for when the proverbial carpet is pulled out from under you. Here is a very brief overview of her ten key points – it is well worth taking the time to explore these further especially at times when life can seem just too much to bear…
- Cry – holding back the tears or grief does not serve anyone least of all your self. Let the flow rather than swallowing and holding them back and allow them to heal your sadness. Do something different –
- Face your defaults – we all have habitual behavior we flick into when we don’t know how to cope or what to do next. Become aware of what yours are, acknowledge and accept them before choosing how you want to behave from here on.
- Do something different – a couple of great question from this chapter asks ” As far as you are aware, what is this crisis asking you to do differently?” and ” What is the new response you’re being asked to develop?”
- Let go – of all expectations of what you want to have happen…
- Remember who you have always been – your strengths and talents that have always been there to carry you through tough times.
- Persist – keep moving forward no matter how slowly.
- Integrate your loss – practice acceptance of what s happening. The support of a good therapist or counselor can help with this stage if we get stuck.
- Live Simply – by paring away all that is unnecessary we can create the space in our mind and life to deal with the crisis we are facing. It allows us the time to just sit still, reflect and to reconnect with what is really important in our life.
- Go where the love is – connect with others and be open to the love around you.
- Live in the Light of the Spirit – practice being on the present moment and trusting in a higher power.
The discussion at this cafe focused on the challenges of fear and how to handle all those that come up in our life.
The key point to come out of the conversation today was that everyone of us will experience fear at one time or another. The feeling of fear is an emotion and it will come and go the same as any other emotions we experience – the point of choice comes in how we choose to handle fear when it arises. Here is some of what was shared today…
- Learn to accept the fear – name it and allow yourself to just sit with it for a while. In reality some things that we fear will happen – we will fail, we will be rejected at times, we will feel that we have no control over something, we will feel stuck. So having accepted the fear and where we are right now focus your attention on how you want to handle this situation when it happens, or as it exists.
- Bring yourself back to the present moment – fear only ever lives in the future – we fear what may happen. Right now in this moment we are OK – we’re still living and breathing after all! So bring your attention back to this moment by focusing on your breathing – allow yourself to take a few deep breaths and use some affirmations such as “All is well in my world” or “Whatever happens I can handle it”
- Refocus on your intentions – what do you want to have happen, how do you want your life to be? Often fears come up because we have set an intention to live our lives in a particular way and life very kindly sends us all the obstacles in the form of fears to be healed or cleared so we can achieve what we desire. Once you are clear on the intention ask yourself – what is the first step/ what do I need to do today or right now?
- Celebrate your mistakes – it is OK to make them – that is how we learn!
- Give yourself permission to change your mind, or to choose what fears you are ready to face. Remember you are in charge and you don’t have to scare the life out of yourself. It’s OK to allow your life to be calm and peaceful!!
- Get physical – we can get stuck in our heads so do something physical to shift the energy. Go for a walk, get out in the fresh air, do some anger releasing work if necessary, dance…
- Build a really strong support system – create a list of tools and resources or people you can call on to support you when you are being challenged in life. (Bach flower remedies, EFT and NLP were other modalities mentioned today that are useful in handling fear).
Here is the link for the recording from Jan Lundy, yet again, which I have found so useful in handling those times when you feel stuck. You can also check out the Susan Jeffers website as a resource for some very powerful affirmations.
Check out some of my other posts for more tools that may be useful and for those who have access to my Client Area log in to access an up to date document on Suggestions for Managing Fear.
I look forward to seeing you all at the next cafe, the last one for this year, on Tues 7th December 2010 at 9 am
We can waste so much time and energy when we spend our lives resisting what is. Our constant mental activity is a great example. Whether it is filled with positive or negative thoughts our “mental activity is as natural as a hot bubbling spring” (from Wisdom of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan McMillan).
As this author says we have more control over what we do than over what we think and feel, so use your energy wisely by focusing on your actions and letting the rest be.
This is the question that has been on my mind since I saw this poem on the wall at the Lower Hutt Women’s Centre – do you have the courage?
“The Courage to Be Myself”
I have the courage to . . .
Embrace my strengths—
Get excited about life—Enjoy giving
and receiving love —Face and transform
my fears— Ask for help and support
when I need it—
Spring free of the Superwoman Trap—
Trust myself— Make my own decisions
and choices— Befriend myself—Complete
unfinished business—Realize that I have
emotional and practical rights—
Talk as nicely to myself
as I do to my plants— Communicate
lovingly with understanding as my goal—
Honor my own needs—
Give myself credit for my accomplishments—
Love the little girl within me—
Overcome my addiction to approval—
Grand myself permission to play—
Quit being a Responsibility Sponge—
Feel all of my feelings and act on them
appropriately—Nurture others because
I want to, not because I have to—
Choose what is right for me—Insist on being
paid fairly for what I do—
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them—
Say “yes” only when I really mean it—
Have realistic expectations—Take risks and
accept change—Grow through challenges—
Be totally honest with myself—
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions—
Respect my vulnerabilities—
Heal old and current wounds—
Favor the mystery of Spirit—
Wave goodbye to guilt—plant “flower”
not “weed” thoughts in my mind—
Treat myself with respect and teach others
to do the same—
Fill my own cup first, then nourish
others from the overflow—
Own my own excellence— Plan for the future
but live in the present— Value my
intuition and wisdom— Know that I am
lovable—Celebrate the differences between
men and women— Develop healthy, supportive
relationships— Make forgiveness a priority—
Accept myself as I am now–
by Sue Patton Thoele